


I'd Rather Get Shot an Eighth Time

by incredibly_cold, montynavarrno



Series: The Next Generation [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Gen, John has the sex talk, not remotely smutty though, rated because of the somewhat graphic sex talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 04:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7029439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incredibly_cold/pseuds/incredibly_cold, https://archiveofourown.org/users/montynavarrno/pseuds/montynavarrno
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John really needed to learn to pay more attention to his surroundings when he was watching TV. He was so not ready to have this talk with Philip. He wasn't even his real dad, why was he the one who had to do this?</p><p>EDIT 8/21/16: Fixed spacing some inconsistency issues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'd Rather Get Shot an Eighth Time

 

 

On the night of Little Theo's seventh birthday, she got to have a sleepover with three of her friends.

  
Philip didn't want to be anywhere near that mess, so he got to go over to John and Alex's house for the night.  
He always had fun there. John and Alex always made him spaghetti with "secret sauce" (which Philip knew to be Prego with extra thyme and parsley and basil, but he wasn't going to ruin Alex's fun).

  
This sleepover was different, as he was only hanging out with John. Alex was working late on a report. Philip didn't mind. John was fun. He let Philip choose the movie to watch. Alex always chose the movies usually. It didn't bother Philip, because his dad had great taste in movies. However, Johndad (as he called John to differentiate between his fathers) let Philip choose things like documentaries, which he enjoyed a lot.

  
John also answered almost any question that Philip asked him. Tonight's topic was turtles, which pleased John immensely. He even let Philip play with George Washington the Turtle, although it wasn't playing so much as giving him food and watching how he reacted to it.

  
Once it got to be around ten o'clock, Philip got ready for bed. He read a couple chapters of his book about the American civil war, and he was asleep by eleven.

* * *

After Philip went to bed, John decided to watch an episode of Game of Thrones. He was a couple episodes behind Alex, so he relished the chance to catch up and discuss how the show compared to the books.

  
After about fifteen minutes, there was a sex scene with Melisandre. John, not particularly caring about Melisandre and her sex habits, decided to check his Facebook and upload some of the picture he had taken of Philip and George Washington the Turtle. His reptilian son and his actual son were adorable.

  
He was so absorbed in choosing pictures that he didn't notice anyone else in the room until Philip's voice asked "What are they doing?"

  
John leapt about a foot in the air. He quickly turned around to see Philip looking at the tv with an air of confusion surrounding him. John looked at the tv. It was still the sex scene.  
"I- I don't- they're... Um..." he paused in his stuttering. He sighed, and put his head in his hands. "I'm going to turn this off. You sit right there in that chair."

  
Philip quickly got into the chair John had indicated. John picked up the remote and turned off the tv. He turned to Philip and opened his mouth. No words came out.

  
Philip looked at him with concern. "Are you okay?"

  
John sighed again, his face heating up. This was not a conversation that he ever wanted to have, ever.

  
But he couldn't lie to Philip. Philip was extremely smart, just like Alex. The Hamilton genetics were the worst.

  
John sighed for a third time. "Okay Philip. What exactly do you know about how babies are made?"

  
Philip shook his head. "I just know that babies come out of the stomach."

  
"Okay, that's not entirely true. But we'll get to that in a second. Um, okay. So what happens is- okay so- when two people love each other very much..." John was floundering. He knew it, and he could see that Philip knew it too.

  
"Can I just ask you questions and then you answer them?" Philip asked.

  
John let out yet another sigh, although this time it was a sigh of relief. "Yes, that seems to be a better course of action."

  
"Okay," said Philip. He pondered what he was going to ask first. Eventually, he figured it out. "What's the word for what they were doing?"

  
"Sex. Or sometimes called making love." John said. This was good. The questions were working. He could do this.

  
"How do people have sex?"

  
He couldn't do this. He couldn't explain how two people had sex. Especially straight sex. He's too gay for this.

  
"Johndad?"

  
He's had straight sex before. He has a daughter to show for it. He can do this.

  
"Well- you see-" John took a deep breath. "Okay, first, there's usually two people. Sometimes more. But that's not important. And usually it's a man and woman. And they kiss a lot."

  
"Okay."

  
"And then after a while, they both get aroused."

  
"What does that mean?"

  
This was a disaster. Alex was being late on purpose so that John had to suffer through this.

  
"Well.... It means a couple different things, depending on gender. For a man, it means that his-" (John couldn't believe that he was about to talk about genitals with a ten year old) "penis gets hard and stiff. For a woman, it means that her vagina gets- well, for lack of a better word- wet, with natural lubricant."

  
"Why does she need natural lubricant?"

 

Death was upon him. This was how John Laurens was going to die. On his tombstone it would read "John Laurens- Died because he couldn't talk about sex."

  
"Um... She needs natural lubricant because... Because..."

  
He just needed to get the words out. Then he could put Philip back to bed. And then he could die.

  
"The woman um... The woman needs lubricant because... Well. The uh, the man kind of... Puts his penis into the woman's vagina."

  
Death was the only option at this point.

  
"Then what happens?"

  
John was waiting for the icy cold embrace of death. Where was it? Why had death forsaken him?

  
"Then the man thrusts into the woman. And eventually they both reach what's called an, uh, orgasm. That um... Means that they both feel really good I guess. The man usually- oh dear lord help me- usually ejaculates semen into the woman."

  
"Is that healthy?"

  
"Yes. That's part of how babies are made. Semen is made up of little cells called sperm. The sperm- swims, I guess, for lack of a better word- up into the woman's uterus, where they meet up with an egg and fertilize it."

  
"And that becomes a baby?"

  
"Yes, if the fertilized egg attaches to the uterine lining."

  
Were those words to big for Philip? Was he doing an okay job at explaining this? Would Alex ever come home and raise him from this hell that he found himself in?

  
"It take nine months for the baby to come out, right?"

  
"Yes. Then the mother goes into labor, and delivers the child."

  
"How does the baby come out of the stomach?"

  
This was okay. The worst was over.

  
"Well, the baby's not really in the stomach. It just looks like that."

  
"So then where does it come out?"

  
The worst was not over.

  
"Okay. Well. It can happen two different ways. One way is called Caesarian, or C-section. The baby is ready to be born, so the doctor does surgery on the mother. They basically cut open the mom and... Well, I'm sure Theodosia could explain it better. That's how your sister was born."

  
Philip nodded. "I'll ask her. What's the other way?"

  
John took a deep breath. "That's natural child birth. The mother pushes the baby out through her vagina."

  
Philip's eyes were huge. "Does it hurt?"

  
John nodded. "There's nothing more painful than child birth."

  
"Was I born like that?"

  
"Yes. A lot of people are. C-sections are more likely to happen if there's a danger to the mother or child. Like if the baby is breech. That means they developed upside down. Again, ask Theodosia. That's why Little Theo was a C-section. Some people get c-sections because they think it will hurt less. I'm not sure if it does. Either way, most people are born naturally."

  
"Did I hurt my mom a lot when I was born?" Philip was looking very anxious.

  
"Probably. But she got you, so I think she was okay with it."

  
"Can I make her a card to say sorry?"

  
"You can in the morning. Unless you have anymore questions, you should probably go back to bed."

  
"I have a few more questions."

  
"I'll answer them to the best of my ability." And then maybe he would drink to forget this entire conversation.

  
"So, you said in the beginning that it was usually two people who loved each other very much who had sex, right?"

  
"Yes."

  
"And I know you said it was usually a man and a woman who had sex. But can two men or two women have sex?"

  
John was getting a little bit wary of where this was headed. "Yes. People of the same gender can have sex."

  
"Do you and dad have sex? How does it work?"

  
John had thought that the questions before this were his own personal torture in hell. Now he realized that before he was just dying. This was actual hell and actual torture.

  
"Are you okay?" Philip's voice brought him back to the living room.

  
"Well. Um. Philip. People don't... Most people don't really like to talk about who they have sex with and how. But yes, your dad and I do have sex. As for how, I'm going to ask that you ask that of your father in the morning. It's time for you to get back to bed. Do you need anything before you go to sleep?"

  
"Can I have a glass of water?"

  
"Yes. Of course." John walked into the kitchen with Philip padding behind him. He got Philip his glass of water. After Philip was done, he handed the glass to John and hugged him, said goodnight, and headed off to his room. As soon as John heard the door to Philip's room shut, he pulled out his phone and texted his friends

* * *

_To: Eliza, Theodosia Sr, Laf, Alex <3, and Hercules_

  
_John: Whoever has hard liquor, bring it to me now._

  
_Eliza: Should I be worried that you're asking for hard liquor while my son is at your house?_

  
_John: I just had to give an impromptu sex talk to Philip. I need it._

  
_Laf: WHAT_

  
_Laf: WHY_

  
_Hercules: I'm with Marie. Why did you have to give him an impromptu sex talk?_

  
_John: He was asleep and I was watching Game of Thrones. He came out to get a drink right as Melisandre was having sex. He asked what was happening. It's impossible to lie to him, so I had to tell him._

  
_John: Also, Theodosia, he's probably going to ask you about C-sections and breech births._

  
_Theodosia: You went really in depth._

  
_John: I'm not sure what the lines are. He asked questions, and I answered._

  
_Eliza: We had been planning on telling him fairly soon anyway. Thank you for doing that. It must have been painful._

  
_John: I'd rather get shot an eighth time then have to do that again._

  
_Alex <3: I'm on my way in. It seems you and I are going to have one hell of a conversation._

  
_John: You've got that right._

* * *

The next morning, Alex, John, and Philip were sitting at the table eating pancakes. So far, there had been no mention of the conversation that John and Philip had had last night.  
As they were cleaning up the dishes, Philip asked Alex if he could  ask him a question.

  
"Sure," said Alex. John tensed. He had forgotten to tell Alex to prepare for what Philip might ask him. Oh well. It was time to let Alex suffer.

  
"Dad, how do two men have sex?"

  
Alex's eyes for wide, and he sputtered a bit. John took that as his cue to leave. As he was walking out the door, he heard Alex say "Well, it's a little bit different than what you heard about last night..."

* * *

Alex was working late again. Little Theo was spending the night, because Eliza and Theodosia were at a conference. Philip was spending the night at Lafayette and Hercules' house.  
Little Theo had gone to bed about an hour ago. John had put on Arrow in the background while he typed up an article about the new turtle exhibit in the aquarium.

  
He wasn't paying attention to what was on the screen. It was then that he heard Little Theo say "What are they doing?"

  
John leapt about a foot in the air. He looked at the screen. Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak were having sex.

  
He groaned, and put his head in his hands. Not again.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written by my lovely friend who has been coming up with ideas/writing for this au with me. She doesn't have an Ao3 account, but you can follow her at comicbookward.tumblr.com (but really you should follow her, she's great.)


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